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Love OMG Cry

jumpin’ from thought to thought

Credit: Tumblr

hi there! i’m elizabeth, one of the photographers and the photographer editor for GLUE. i’ve been feeling really down for the past couple of weeks so let’s go and have a chit-chat, shall we?

trigger warning: i mention anorexia and anxiety.

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i’ve been having thoughts, and not really pleasant ones, about stuff going on in my life. i have anxiety about many random things, and even simple ones about how to act at band camp in the upcoming week or what i should do for my fourteenth birthday. sometimes, i have random outbursts of feeling productive. this anxiety makes me scarily calm because i’m so into my thoughts and my internal panicking that i don’t even think about what’s on the outside. i want to socialize, have fun, explore hidden caves and spots in nearby forests, but physically i feel i cannot do any of it. i want to do my makeup, but i have a thing called acne that runs into that. i want to explore new york city and live in a modernized but rustic apartment, but i can’t do that either. it seems like i only think about stuff i can’t do.

i’ve also been strangely quiet. and i know it’s not from feeling the grunge 90’s aesthetic. i’m normally a very outgoing person. i like to jump around and talk about my favorite marvel movies or spill all the star wars theories i have to my friends, even though i know they’ll be annoyed with me because it’s the only thing i talk about. even my mom has asked me multiple times if i’m feeling okay and she’s the one i talk to the most when i’m around her. maybe it could be because i have issues between me and my father that are personal, but i usually set that aside and i’m good at not letting that get into the way of my day to day life.

you see, reader, i feel like something is going on. i’m not exactly sure if it’s because i’m getting older or i’m maturing in a way, but something isn’t right obviously. do you feel this way? i also have feeling very fat. i hate how i look in everything because my stomach pooches out. i suck in slightly a lot so my stomach looks natural, but it isn’t enough. i’ve sadly had to force myself to eat meals and when i do, i try not to eat much but enough to not worry my mom a lot. and i also feel very disgusting when i eat meals at my dad’s house because all he does is eat junk food. then again, i want to eat healthy or just use portion control, but a) i may make portion control too controlling or b) i can’t keep up with eating healthier. i’ve tried working out for a few days, and i was doing good, but i felt it was too much. i’m not obese, but i feel like i am, and i just want to be regularly skinny. i honestly feel like i might be developing an eating disorder. and as the days go on, as it develops, it feels good almost.

i think this is all i have for now. i needed to breathe, but i still don’t feel all the way relieved of my problems. i just want to be happy, and there’s so many things that are getting in my way and i don’t know where they’re all coming from. thank you for being with me.

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Written by Elizabeth Poe

Elizabeth Poe is a 13-year-old girl who is passionate about reading, music, journalism, photography, and anything about comics or movies. You can find her researching about anything Marvel or Star Wars related, or focusing on school, hanging out with her family, or playing with her dogs.

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