hi there! i’m elizabeth, one of the photographers and the photographer editor for GLUE. i’ve been feeling really down for the past couple of weeks so let’s go and have a chit-chat, shall we?
trigger warning: i mention anorexia and anxiety.
i’ve been having thoughts, and not really pleasant ones, about stuff going on in my life. i have anxiety about many random things, and even simple ones about how to act at band camp in the upcoming week or what i should do for my fourteenth birthday. sometimes, i have random outbursts of feeling productive. this anxiety makes me scarily calm because i’m so into my thoughts and my internal panicking that i don’t even think about what’s on the outside. i want to socialize, have fun, explore hidden caves and spots in nearby forests, but physically i feel i cannot do any of it. i want to do my makeup, but i have a thing called acne that runs into that. i want to explore new york city and live in a modernized but rustic apartment, but i can’t do that either. it seems like i only think about stuff i can’t do.
i’ve also been strangely quiet. and i know it’s not from feeling the grunge 90’s aesthetic. i’m normally a very outgoing person. i like to jump around and talk about my favorite marvel movies or spill all the star wars theories i have to my friends, even though i know they’ll be annoyed with me because it’s the only thing i talk about. even my mom has asked me multiple times if i’m feeling okay and she’s the one i talk to the most when i’m around her. maybe it could be because i have issues between me and my father that are personal, but i usually set that aside and i’m good at not letting that get into the way of my day to day life.
you see, reader, i feel like something is going on. i’m not exactly sure if it’s because i’m getting older or i’m maturing in a way, but something isn’t right obviously. do you feel this way? i also have feeling very fat. i hate how i look in everything because my stomach pooches out. i suck in slightly a lot so my stomach looks natural, but it isn’t enough. i’ve sadly had to force myself to eat meals and when i do, i try not to eat much but enough to not worry my mom a lot. and i also feel very disgusting when i eat meals at my dad’s house because all he does is eat junk food. then again, i want to eat healthy or just use portion control, but a) i may make portion control too controlling or b) i can’t keep up with eating healthier. i’ve tried working out for a few days, and i was doing good, but i felt it was too much. i’m not obese, but i feel like i am, and i just want to be regularly skinny. i honestly feel like i might be developing an eating disorder. and as the days go on, as it develops, it feels good almost.
i think this is all i have for now. i needed to breathe, but i still don’t feel all the way relieved of my problems. i just want to be happy, and there’s so many things that are getting in my way and i don’t know where they’re all coming from. thank you for being with me.